Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Welcome to Gang Gridiron

If you found this page through Sparks of Dementia, congratulations for still reading -- I swear I'll have more stuff up soon. If you found this page of your own accord, wow, that was quick. If you found this page through one of my signature links on Mile High Report or Purple Row, thank you for helping an old pal out. Anyway, you have now found the possibly most terrifying football blog on the Web, written by a dedicated female sports fan who has no problems giving into the occasional insanity from which my blog names stem. I call 'em as I see 'em, know my stuff, and take a definitely offbeat approach to situations and analysis. Still, I love writing about sports, have several ideas for the type of content and exploration I want to do, and can now happily pursue my football-writing side here instead of on my baseball blog.

Just as I did on Sparks, I'll start out with an all-purpose football likes and dislikes:

The Denver Broncos. My hometown team, thank God they fired Jim Bates, can we have an actual defense next year? There are other teams that I like, but the Donkeys have the top. I'd also say they're the only team I really passionately root for -- I like the others and hope they do well, but that's it. I am quite a fan of young quarterback Jay Cutler, who had better become the next John Elway and not the next Jake Plummer. Denver has all had quite enough of Jake the Snake, and Cutler has the tools to become a superstar.
The New York Giants. I go to school in New York, but I wouldn't call myself a Giants fan -- I just would watch them in a New York minute over the Jets, for which you can't blame me. I think Eli takes too much flak since he's expected to be something he's just not, and I'll admit it, when McQuarters intercepted Romo in the endzone to send Big Blue to the NFC championship, I cheered. Loudly.
The Indianapolis Colts. Maybe it's a horse thing? Colts, Broncos? I know the Donkeys and the Horses have a bit of a contentious playoff history, but I really enjoy watching Peyton Manning play, and I even like his commercials. Yeah, there are 1,000 of them, but he has a dry sense of humor and seems perfectly able to laugh at himself, which I appreciate in a Super Bowl-winning, mega-endorsement-dealing, $98-million making pro athlete. Plus, I wish more athletes married women like his wife, Ashley. Both the Manning brothers are such gigantic, Southern-drawling dorks that I can't help but like them, for some reason.
Quarterback sneaks, rushes, and bootlegs. I like multi-dimensional QBs who can do things aside from just stepping back in the pocket and firing downfield, and always like to see them taking a more active role in the play.
Long kickoff returns. Unless your name is Devin Hester, in which case do not pass go, do not collect $200, sell your house and give away all your money, and then go to Todd Sauerbrun's place -- he'll serve you up a bunch of meatballs and make you right at home.
Faked punts. These do not happen nearly enough.
QB-WR-QB Laterals, aka the Tom Brady/Randy Moss trick. These also do not happen enough.
Going for it on fourth down, especially fourth and short. It always makes it more exciting, and if it's a 4th and 1 situation, I am always in favor of aggressive play-calling. Now, if you're the Patriots and go for it when you're up by 20, not cool. (Of course, if you're the Patriots, you'll get it because some bonehead Ravens defensive coordinator will call for a time-out that nullified a fourth-down stop, or you'll get penalized to nullify another fourth-down stop). Of course, at the same time, I'm always leery when the team decides to actually go for it, seeing as some of them (Shanny's) favorite play is to try to get one yard by running it up the gut into a forest of mammoth humanity that promptly quaffs any such flickering ambition.
Kickers. Yeah, I know, not a real position. But they're extremely amusing (all their twitchy routines) they're generally trim (nice change from all the fat boys on the O-line) and hey, can you kick a pointed prolate spheroid 40-odd yards through a pair of yellow uprights? If so, sign up.
Blitzes. Especially when they happen to a quarterback (see: Rivers, Philip) that I don't like.
Safety hits. Generally it means that the runner or receiver has already evaded the linebackers, cleared the cornerbacks, and is on the verge of getting on a breakaway out of the secondary and all the way downfield when -- WHAM! Stars and birdies. Especially when it happens to the other team, of course. We Broncos fans are lucky to have John Lynch, but this may have been his last year.
Interceptions. Also when it happens to the other team, of course; it's maddening to have your own quarterback picked repeatedly (another reason I could never entirely be a Giants fan, Eli) but I love the sudden-death momentum shifts they create and the way the whole play-action can turn on a dime.

The Green Bay Packers. Get a dome already so teams don't have to play in -46 weather (ask the 1967 Cowboys what they think about this) are you really wearing a giant fake cheese on your head, Brett Favre is a great quarterback but he is getting old and nor is he the Green and Gold Messiah, and if you have ever heard a chorus of nauseating first-grade children singing "Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers" to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," you'll know what I'm talking about.
The Dallas Cowboys. America's team? I don't think so. Haven't won a playoff game for 11 years and counting. They're from Texas, not good. Have a QB who has the benefit of a great O-line, but hasn't really proved himself to be a bona fide star, fades in December, takes ill-advised Mexico trips with his latest celebrity flame (I don't think that the trip itself was the problem, I'm sure Romo was prepared, but he had to think about all the media hysteria the side jaunt would engender, which would take away from questions about the game and put the focus on his traveling habits instead. Or not -- he is dating Jessica Simpson, after all) and is now the owner of two brutal season-ending implosions -- the botched hold for the field goal in Seattle last year and the last-second pick in the endzone against the Giants this year. Not to mention T.O.'s weepy, Romo-defending press conference in which he claims he's always been on good terms with his quarterbacks. Really, T.O.? Don't mind if I ask Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb, do you?
The San Diego Chargers. Aside from the fact that they're in the AFC West and therefore a Broncos divisional rival, they're full of a bunch of smart-mouthed little punks. I hate Philip Rivers (dislike is not a strong enough word for him) since he is a giant tool that loves to run off his mouth, yell at home and opposing fans alike, and scream self-righteously at Cutler with a priggish little smirk on his face. Although Albert Haynesworth got nailed with a 15-yarder for prematurely sending Rivers ass over teakettle during the Chargers/Titans wild-card playoff, it was sweet. Except the Chargers then took advantage of their newly improved field position and scored a TD. I hate the Chargers. Also, seeing Steroidhead Shawn Merriman get knocked flat by 5'7" Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jags was a highlight.
Running it up the gut, especially multiple times in a row. Yes, I know -- use the run to set up for the pass, and I have no objection to the running game at all -- I love it when a RB finds a seam and goes tearing up the field as a bunch of wheezing fat boys attempt pursuit. However, certain coaches (Shanahan) keep trying to run it right up the middle for about three plays in a row, all the while hemorrhaging downs and getting exactly nowhere.
Patriots fans. They're from Boston, 'nuff said, and the one Red Sox/Pats fan I have the misfortune to know personally at school is a giant pain in the ass. As for the Patriots themselves, I'm ambivalent. Watching them play is somewhat awe-inspiring -- I don't get how anyone can stop that offense -- but their coach failed charm school by negative numbers (I know they don't pay him to be a nice guy, they pay him to win, but still) Randy Moss has gone to the T.O. School of Sucking Up Now I'm Off That Shitty Team, and Tom Brady, while amazing to watch play and generally not dislikable, has just enough twerp moments to keep me from really getting behind him. Besides, if they did go 19-0, the pundits would never shut up, and I, as a Rockies fan, do not feel kindly toward Boston sports teams. I am, however, rooting for the Pats in the AFC Championship, since they're playing the Chargers.
Pink jerseys and gear. Oh dear GOD for the love of all that's holy do I hate pink jerseys (coughcoughJessicaSimpsoncough). Bad enough that people already think female sports fans are doing it solely to look at hot butts in tight pants, then you have to go add pink to the equation because you are too sissy to wear the actual team colors? a) Football is not a sport for looking at men, especially if they are on either offensive or defensive lines, although quarterbacks and kickers are all right. The rest of them are just abnormally large and oftentimes porky. b) Wear a pink jersey and you are wearing your bimbo status on your sleeve and setting female fans back another decade or so. Stay at home, you twat, and that way, you won't annoy people when your cell phone keeps ringing.
Phantom penalties. As it's been called elsewhere, the No-Fun-League likes to lock down on any and every perceived slight. Now, I get that they had to institute some of these (excessive celebration, face mask, horse collar) because football players are essentially millionaire thugs who sometimes have the restraint of third-graders and the violence of convicted criminals, but sometimes, I swear referees call offsides or pass interference for the hell of it. I generally think that refs get involved too much, and I know that football is a game of inches and precision, but come on. If I watch the replay four times and can't see the foul, I think that you, sir ref, are the one jumping the gun.
Thugz 4 Life. Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, etc. You guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, you can have whatever you want, and unfortunately, you do. I know that brains aren't your strong suit, but how can you guys just go around squandering everything you've got, getting into trouble, etc? It just doesn't make any sense and it bothers me. Football is essentially ritualized war, guys get into that certain mindset as if they're going to battle, and it carries over off the field. Not good. Shape up, guys. No excuse.
College marching bands at bowl games. Dear God, just shut up. We know your team scored a touchdown/a field goal/completed a pass/got a first down/took a step. If we have to hear you playing the fight song one more time, complete with close-ups of all the excited band nerds, I will throw a rock through my TV.

That's all I have for now; if I think of something to add to this list, I'll edit it in. In the meantime, thanks for visiting, keep checking this space for assorted updates (have to amuse myself as best I can until spring training games start -- the Death Valley for me is the few weeks in between the Super Bowl and spring training) and I'll do my best to balance my football/baseball blogs in the future. Check back for picks, team-by-team quarterback examinations, post-game wraps, etc.

1 comment:

Justin said...

First off, I'm impressed; for being a relatively new fan, you know your stuff. Now I can talk football with you in the same detail that we talk baseball.

But, uh...

I'll admit it, when McQuarters intercepted Romo in the endzone to send Big Blue to the NFC championship, I cheered. Loudly.


And a couple other things :-)

They're from Texas, not good. Have a QB who has the benefit of a great O-line...

Yes. They lucked into winning 13 games. Or Romo just melted the hearts of those teams with his smile. And uh... great offensive line? Yes, that was true in the 90s, but now they're just okay/not bad.

I'd defend TO or Yoko Romo... but I just can't. Neither of them lost that game. The O-line was non-existent, Roy Williams = Eric Chavez and Patrick Crayton is a waste of a human being.

I'm happy you're getting into football (even if you DO hate my favorite team, which is kind of to be expected). It's a really addicting sport to watch.