The NFC Championship: Surprising Dork vs. Savvy Geezer

This isn't necessarily the matchup that was supposed to happen -- if Patrick Crayton had caught that pass, the Cowboys would probably be the ones heading to subzero Green Bay for a rematch of the Ice Bowl -- but it did. Instead, the surprising Giants have ridden the #5 wild card seed all the way past the Buccaneers, the Cowboys, and now into Green Bay, where they battle the Packers for a trip to Super Bowl XLII. And since my internet is being slower than molasses today, it may take me a while to dig up all my numbers, but once we have them, I'll break down the matchup between the Lesser Brother and the Wisconsin Deity, better known as Eli Manning and Brett Favre.

Interesting sidenote time: I've had sort of a vested interest in the Giants since long before I ever followed football. When my sisters and I were kids, our dad's bedtime stories were set in New York with a vast cast of eccentric characters, and several of them played for the Giants. Buck Smith and Duke Novotny were the tackle and guard, Sparky Malone was the running back, Painless Johnson was a linebacker, and Joey (I wish I could remember his last name) was the cornerback. My dad having the fertile and demented imagination he does (hey, I had to get it from somewhere) they were all, um, interesting. Buck stuffed hamburgers in his helmet in case he got hungry on the field, Duke's idea of offseason training was to sit in front of the TV and eat M & M's by the fistful, Painless never spoke and ate wall telephones, Sparky ran backwards and dared the defensive "elephants" to catch him, and Joey sidelined as a fire-and-brimstone Harlem-church preacher. We used to laugh ourselves sick at them, and since I now go to school in NY anyway, I want the Giants to do it.

That diversion aside (and can you believe that Photobucket has still not opened? I am almost tempted to get on the arthritic desktop, it has to be faster) let's see about the specs.

How The Giants Can Win:

1. Like their underdog compatriots, the Chargers, the Giants have a strong running game -- 6'4/260 lb running back Brandon Jacobs and smaller, speedy Ahmad Bradshaw have both done well this year, and the Giants rank fourth in the NFL with an average of 134.2 rushing yards per game. The Packers rank fourteenth in run defense, allowing about 102.9 a game, so if the Giants can force that figure closer to what they normally rack up, they can find seams and score TDs without having to count on the Eli Manning Coming of Age continuing. Jacobs can use his size to gain yardage after the first hit, and Bradshaw has excellent speed.

2. Speaking of which, the Giants will need the aforementioned Eli Manning Coming of Age to continue. Heckled and belabored for years for not being his talented older brother, Eli nonetheless has done very well in the playoffs. He's finished 32 of 45 passes for 348 yards, a 71.1 completion percentage, four TDs, no picks, and a 123.2 rating. Asking Eli to air it out downfield is a recipe for a pick such as the 20 he suffered on the season, since he doesn't have Peyton's arm and accuracy and probably never will. But he's done well with short routes, counting on receivers Amani Toomer and Plaxico Burress to gain the yards, and will have to continue to play at this level and generally getting the fickle New York sports fans to throw all their support behind him and have them excited for him to be the guy. The bugaboo: The cold. Last time Eli was playing in frigid temperatures, the Buffalo game that the Giants nonetheless won, he fumbled five times, losing two, and got sacked and intercepted twice. He will have to avoid that type of turnover at all costs, but if he can be the same player he was against Tampa Bay and Dallas, the Giants will have doubled their odds -- they can rely on both the pass and the run. Eli lost a favored target when TE Jeremy Shockey broke his leg, but Kevin Boss has stepped up in his place.

3. Keep the Big Blue machine of the D well-stoked. The Giants have a fearsome defense that recorded 53 sacks while allowing only 28, and the combo of Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan can cause headaches for the Packers with their blitzing. (Earlier this season, the Giants actually sacked Eagles' QB McNabb a whopping 12 times, half of those by Umenyiora). They'll also need their battered corners to step up -- Sam Madison is out, Aaron Ross got shaken up last week in Dallas, and that leaves Gibril Wilson, Antonio Pierce, and Corey Webster to handle the picking duties. If the Giants lose any more cornerbacks, they practically won't have a secondary at all, and everyone knows how important a pass defense is against the ageless-wonder Favre.

4. Not allow the Green Bay mystique to get into their heads. It'll be about zero degrees Fahrenheit, cold as the blazes, in the far north with a bunch of screaming Cheeseheads drowning out Eli's best attempts at calling the signals all day. Lambeau is a terrifying place for an opponent, especially if it feels like you just walked into a freezer, but the Giants are now 9-1 on the road, their only loss coming against the Cowboys in the early going. (They have a rather pedestrian home record at 3-5, and this makes sense to me -- who would want to play in front of a bunch of bitter New Jersey drunks?) They, like the Chargers, have all the momentum and confidence in the world, and need to see if it'll be enough against the #2-seed Packers. Then again, they polished off the #1 seed Cowboys last week, and have shown they can handle pressure.

5. Not letting the Green Bay TV stations' plan to pull Seinfeld (Eli's favorite show) get into their heads. Just kidding.

How The Packers Can Win:

1. Take advantage of the sizable advantage they have in terms of familiarity with the climate. Eli and Brett Favre are both from the South (Eli from New Orleans, Louisiana; Favre from Kiln, Mississippi, but Favre has played the vast majority of his career in the arctic climes of Lambeau and is well used to it). The Packers practiced with balls that had been put in the freezer, in order to best mimic the conditions come Sunday, and since they played in a blinding snowstorm against the Seahawks, they aren't going to let a little thing like a high of zero bother them. Once you factor in that a wind chill could make it feel like -35, we really are hitting Ice Bowl rematch here. The Giants are going to be cold. So will the Packers. Fortunately for the Pack's chances, they're used to it.

2. Keep riding Brett Favre's spring of youth as far as it goes. The Pack ranked second only to the Patriots in terms of yards per game (370.7) and passing yards (270.9). 38-year-old cactus Favre put together another strong season -- 28 TD, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, a 95.7 rating (his highest since 2004, and third-highest of all time) and a 13-3 record in resuscitating the Packers, as happens every few years, to the NFC North title. Nobody's doubting that he's still perfectly able to win 'em when it counts, and since he may only be around for a few more years, the Pack is definitely motivated to help him go out on top.

3. Turn Eli-Peyton Manning back into Eli Manning. Before the postseason, Eli was talented but inconsistent, showing flashes of promise and then turning back into a pumpkin. If the Eli that fumbles and gets picked on a regular basis shows back up, the Giants fans who have been cautiously accepting him will return to scorning him, and the Giants themselves will have another offseason to prepare. In short, if the Pack can force Eli to show that his late-season success has been fluky, all they have to do is give to Favre, stop Strahan and Umenyiora, and let him gunsling at will. The Pack rank fourth in points scored with 27.2 on average a game, and sixth in points allowed by permitting only 18.2. The Giants rank fourteenth in points scored with 23.3, and 17th in points allowed with 21.9. A great deal of this can be attributed to how their quarterbacks played in the regular season.

4. Be careful when using the run game against the aforementioned tough Giants' D. Rookie RB Ryan Grant has been performing very well for the Pack, but the Giants hold opponents to 97.7 rush yards a game, good for eighth in the NFL, and the Pack run game languishes a distant 21st with 99.8. Like their compatriots the Patriots, the Packers rely heavily on the right arm of a very talented quarterback, and use the run game mainly to throw off the defense. However, since the Giants cornerbacks are so thin and dropping like flies, the Pack would be better off going passing-heavy and avoiding the still-formidable middle more than they strictly have to.

5. Find out what Osi Umenyiora's favorite show is and cancel that too.

Who Wins? Packers. I want the Giants to win, and will be rooting for them, but it's a pretty large leap to see Eli and Big Blue knocking off Brett and Giant Green on their own (frozen) tundra.

The AFC Championship: Mismatch or Upset-in-Waiting?

A lot of people, myself included, were hoping for the Colts/Patriots rematch in this game, but I imagine it gets as irritating to non-fans of these teams as Yankees/Red Sox ALCS match-ups are for me. Of course, everyone knows how that one ended -- Tom Brady picked with less than two minutes to go seals the championship for Indy, the Colts go to Florida and beat the Bears to put to rest the talk that Peyton Manning can't win the big one. This year, the Chargers knocked the champs for a loop, continuing a hot streak that has seen them lose exactly once since November 18, 24-17 to the Jaguars; they then ripped off eight straight. They then set themselves up for a clash with the big dogs of the AFC, who everyone assumed would be here, and they open as 14-point underdogs. Will the game really be that much of a blowout? Sure, the Pats handled the Chargers with little trouble in Week 2, 34-17, but that could end up meaning as much as the fact that the Rockies won two of three from the Red Sox in June. This is a completely different Chargers team brimming with self-confidence, completely sure that they are the rightful champs of the AFC -- and if they beat the Colts and the Pats to claim that title, they will sure as hell have earned it, my virulent distaste for them aside.


How The Chargers Can Win:

1. Hope that LaDainian Tomlinson's knee is back to normal and he can plow through piles with typical LT-like verve. Everyone yaps up the fact that the Patriots' run defense isn't the greatest, but in all honesty, does it matter that much if they have that incredible offense that can score seemingly at will? And yes, we know the Patriots are flawed, but the fact remains, they still haven't lost and everyone on the Chargers is going to be playing at top effort. If LT can barrage the defense, get them worked out and worn out, he is also capable of taking off and making this one a lot more uncomfortable than the 60,000-odd screaming Bostonites packing Gillette would like.

2. Have Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman do their job -- namingly, blitzing the quarterback. Tom Brady is dangerous even when he's hurried, and if he has all day, he will select receivers as he wishes and throw for three or four TDs. -- which will make the spread even larger than it's projected to be. Merriman and Phillips make a formidable duo that has racked up a combined total of 20 sacks on the season (almost half of the team's total 42) and if they can finally crack the hermetically-sealed pocket that's protected Brady this year, they can rush him, try to force him into mistakes, and have a chance at least of making him throw a bad pass that ball-hawking cornerback Antonio Cromartie, with 10 interceptions, can pick off. Brady, despite all appearances to the contrary, is human, and last year in the divisional playoffs against the Chargers, he was picked three times. Of course, the Patriots won that one, but still.

3. Take advantage of the fact that they're one of the best defenses New England's going to face this year. Capable of defending both the run and the pass, San Diego isn't going to focus exclusively on Brady and let Laurence Maroney run wild on them, or vice versa. If the Patriots only pass, pass, pass, then the defense is going to pick that up quickly, but since that's not likely to happen, they're able to put up a strong front against the multi-pronged New England attack. The Patriots, to no one's surprise, rank first in passing yards (295.7) but a slightly more distant 13th in the run with 115.6.

4. Put together long, clock-chewing drives. The Pats defense is good, as it should be for a 16-0 team, but the offense is the real wheels for New England. Everybody says it, but you have to do it -- the Chargers need to keep the ball and play mistake-free football, with no interceptions, turnovers, fumbles, three-and-outs, or boneheaded passes into double coverage. The longer you can keep Brady and Co. off the field, the better your chances, and since the Chargers matched up so evenly against the Colts and put Peyton Manning out of action for long stretches at a time, they'll need to do the same thing here.

5. Just go out there and play their game. The pressure is all on the Patriots -- a loss will spoil their perfect year and cloud the 16-0 with the legacy of a second consecutive post-season choke. Also, the Chargers have history on their side -- the last time that the Patriots were riding a historic win streak (consecutive victories at home) the Chargers came into Foxborough and KO'd them 41-17. The Chargers are enormously confident and are playing their best football of the year, but will that be enough? Wait and see. I'll be on a plane somewhere over the Midwest while this is going on -- I may be able to check in at the airport in Minneapolis, but I'm not sure. I can't believe I have to miss this one.

How The Patriots Can Win:

1. This is clearly a lot easier for them. They're 17-0, at home, playing in a way that has various pundits nominating them for Best Team Ever, and are more focused, determined, and dedicated than ever to ensuring that their historic streak doesn't end messily at the hands of a supposedly inferior opponent. They're 14-point favorites (but don't tell them that, Bill Belichick has been beating it out of their heads for the past week). They have the reigning MVP putting together an otherworldly season, surrounded by A-caliber talent and a collective chew-through-steel mentality.

2. If Philip Rivers' sore right knee isn't up to par (although he's optimistic he'll be able to play) the Chargers will start Billy Volek, their backup. This surprisingly isn't as much of a handicap as you might think -- Eagles backup A.J. Feeley looked positively Hall of Fame-caliber against the Patriots in a victory that they just squeaked out, 31-28. But let's be honest, Billy Volek and the Bolts putting down Tom Brady and the Pats would be something worthy of a sports movie. It could happen, but if Volek has to start, the spread gets larger. Asante Samuel is the Pats' biggest INT threat, nabbing 6 on the year.

3. Use the Chargers' excitement and energy against them. San Diego is going to come out of the gate fired up, while the Pats will come out with their typical steely-eyed intensity. If they can get the Bolts to make emotional mistakes, they can get another leg up.

4. Constantly test whether or not LT's knee is up to scratch. It'll fall to the linebackers -- Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Adalius Thomas, and Junior Seau -- to keep on stuffing LT so he can only pick up short gains, and if they can bang him up again early, that's a huge loss for the Chargers. I don't expect LT will want to miss a game of this magnitude, so he'll insist on playing. The same corps, owner of 24 total sacks on the season, will want to test the Chargers' O-line early and often. Even if Rivers is playing, he can be more easily coerced into making mistakes than Brady.

5. Stop the Chargers on third-down conversions. The Bolts have been excellent at converting any third-down situation in the playoffs -- third and short, third and fifteen, whatever -- and if the Patriots can stop that, they can both collect takeaways and get the extraordinary machine known as their offense back on the field with good position. Prospects are dim for the Bolts if Tom Brady is spending more time in the pocket than on the bench.

Who Wins? Patriots, but not by much.

Welcome to Gang Gridiron

If you found this page through Sparks of Dementia, congratulations for still reading -- I swear I'll have more stuff up soon. If you found this page of your own accord, wow, that was quick. If you found this page through one of my signature links on Mile High Report or Purple Row, thank you for helping an old pal out. Anyway, you have now found the possibly most terrifying football blog on the Web, written by a dedicated female sports fan who has no problems giving into the occasional insanity from which my blog names stem. I call 'em as I see 'em, know my stuff, and take a definitely offbeat approach to situations and analysis. Still, I love writing about sports, have several ideas for the type of content and exploration I want to do, and can now happily pursue my football-writing side here instead of on my baseball blog.

Just as I did on Sparks, I'll start out with an all-purpose football likes and dislikes:

Likes:
The Denver Broncos. My hometown team, thank God they fired Jim Bates, can we have an actual defense next year? There are other teams that I like, but the Donkeys have the top. I'd also say they're the only team I really passionately root for -- I like the others and hope they do well, but that's it. I am quite a fan of young quarterback Jay Cutler, who had better become the next John Elway and not the next Jake Plummer. Denver has all had quite enough of Jake the Snake, and Cutler has the tools to become a superstar.
The New York Giants. I go to school in New York, but I wouldn't call myself a Giants fan -- I just would watch them in a New York minute over the Jets, for which you can't blame me. I think Eli takes too much flak since he's expected to be something he's just not, and I'll admit it, when McQuarters intercepted Romo in the endzone to send Big Blue to the NFC championship, I cheered. Loudly.
The Indianapolis Colts. Maybe it's a horse thing? Colts, Broncos? I know the Donkeys and the Horses have a bit of a contentious playoff history, but I really enjoy watching Peyton Manning play, and I even like his commercials. Yeah, there are 1,000 of them, but he has a dry sense of humor and seems perfectly able to laugh at himself, which I appreciate in a Super Bowl-winning, mega-endorsement-dealing, $98-million making pro athlete. Plus, I wish more athletes married women like his wife, Ashley. Both the Manning brothers are such gigantic, Southern-drawling dorks that I can't help but like them, for some reason.
Quarterback sneaks, rushes, and bootlegs. I like multi-dimensional QBs who can do things aside from just stepping back in the pocket and firing downfield, and always like to see them taking a more active role in the play.
Long kickoff returns. Unless your name is Devin Hester, in which case do not pass go, do not collect $200, sell your house and give away all your money, and then go to Todd Sauerbrun's place -- he'll serve you up a bunch of meatballs and make you right at home.
Faked punts. These do not happen nearly enough.
QB-WR-QB Laterals, aka the Tom Brady/Randy Moss trick. These also do not happen enough.
Going for it on fourth down, especially fourth and short. It always makes it more exciting, and if it's a 4th and 1 situation, I am always in favor of aggressive play-calling. Now, if you're the Patriots and go for it when you're up by 20, not cool. (Of course, if you're the Patriots, you'll get it because some bonehead Ravens defensive coordinator will call for a time-out that nullified a fourth-down stop, or you'll get penalized to nullify another fourth-down stop). Of course, at the same time, I'm always leery when the team decides to actually go for it, seeing as some of them (Shanny's) favorite play is to try to get one yard by running it up the gut into a forest of mammoth humanity that promptly quaffs any such flickering ambition.
Kickers. Yeah, I know, not a real position. But they're extremely amusing (all their twitchy routines) they're generally trim (nice change from all the fat boys on the O-line) and hey, can you kick a pointed prolate spheroid 40-odd yards through a pair of yellow uprights? If so, sign up.
Blitzes. Especially when they happen to a quarterback (see: Rivers, Philip) that I don't like.
Safety hits. Generally it means that the runner or receiver has already evaded the linebackers, cleared the cornerbacks, and is on the verge of getting on a breakaway out of the secondary and all the way downfield when -- WHAM! Stars and birdies. Especially when it happens to the other team, of course. We Broncos fans are lucky to have John Lynch, but this may have been his last year.
Interceptions. Also when it happens to the other team, of course; it's maddening to have your own quarterback picked repeatedly (another reason I could never entirely be a Giants fan, Eli) but I love the sudden-death momentum shifts they create and the way the whole play-action can turn on a dime.

Dislikes:
The Green Bay Packers. Get a dome already so teams don't have to play in -46 weather (ask the 1967 Cowboys what they think about this) are you really wearing a giant fake cheese on your head, Brett Favre is a great quarterback but he is getting old and nor is he the Green and Gold Messiah, and if you have ever heard a chorus of nauseating first-grade children singing "Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers" to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," you'll know what I'm talking about.
The Dallas Cowboys. America's team? I don't think so. Haven't won a playoff game for 11 years and counting. They're from Texas, not good. Have a QB who has the benefit of a great O-line, but hasn't really proved himself to be a bona fide star, fades in December, takes ill-advised Mexico trips with his latest celebrity flame (I don't think that the trip itself was the problem, I'm sure Romo was prepared, but he had to think about all the media hysteria the side jaunt would engender, which would take away from questions about the game and put the focus on his traveling habits instead. Or not -- he is dating Jessica Simpson, after all) and is now the owner of two brutal season-ending implosions -- the botched hold for the field goal in Seattle last year and the last-second pick in the endzone against the Giants this year. Not to mention T.O.'s weepy, Romo-defending press conference in which he claims he's always been on good terms with his quarterbacks. Really, T.O.? Don't mind if I ask Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb, do you?
The San Diego Chargers. Aside from the fact that they're in the AFC West and therefore a Broncos divisional rival, they're full of a bunch of smart-mouthed little punks. I hate Philip Rivers (dislike is not a strong enough word for him) since he is a giant tool that loves to run off his mouth, yell at home and opposing fans alike, and scream self-righteously at Cutler with a priggish little smirk on his face. Although Albert Haynesworth got nailed with a 15-yarder for prematurely sending Rivers ass over teakettle during the Chargers/Titans wild-card playoff, it was sweet. Except the Chargers then took advantage of their newly improved field position and scored a TD. I hate the Chargers. Also, seeing Steroidhead Shawn Merriman get knocked flat by 5'7" Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jags was a highlight.
Running it up the gut, especially multiple times in a row. Yes, I know -- use the run to set up for the pass, and I have no objection to the running game at all -- I love it when a RB finds a seam and goes tearing up the field as a bunch of wheezing fat boys attempt pursuit. However, certain coaches (Shanahan) keep trying to run it right up the middle for about three plays in a row, all the while hemorrhaging downs and getting exactly nowhere.
Patriots fans. They're from Boston, 'nuff said, and the one Red Sox/Pats fan I have the misfortune to know personally at school is a giant pain in the ass. As for the Patriots themselves, I'm ambivalent. Watching them play is somewhat awe-inspiring -- I don't get how anyone can stop that offense -- but their coach failed charm school by negative numbers (I know they don't pay him to be a nice guy, they pay him to win, but still) Randy Moss has gone to the T.O. School of Sucking Up Now I'm Off That Shitty Team, and Tom Brady, while amazing to watch play and generally not dislikable, has just enough twerp moments to keep me from really getting behind him. Besides, if they did go 19-0, the pundits would never shut up, and I, as a Rockies fan, do not feel kindly toward Boston sports teams. I am, however, rooting for the Pats in the AFC Championship, since they're playing the Chargers.
Pink jerseys and gear. Oh dear GOD for the love of all that's holy do I hate pink jerseys (coughcoughJessicaSimpsoncough). Bad enough that people already think female sports fans are doing it solely to look at hot butts in tight pants, then you have to go add pink to the equation because you are too sissy to wear the actual team colors? a) Football is not a sport for looking at men, especially if they are on either offensive or defensive lines, although quarterbacks and kickers are all right. The rest of them are just abnormally large and oftentimes porky. b) Wear a pink jersey and you are wearing your bimbo status on your sleeve and setting female fans back another decade or so. Stay at home, you twat, and that way, you won't annoy people when your cell phone keeps ringing.
Phantom penalties. As it's been called elsewhere, the No-Fun-League likes to lock down on any and every perceived slight. Now, I get that they had to institute some of these (excessive celebration, face mask, horse collar) because football players are essentially millionaire thugs who sometimes have the restraint of third-graders and the violence of convicted criminals, but sometimes, I swear referees call offsides or pass interference for the hell of it. I generally think that refs get involved too much, and I know that football is a game of inches and precision, but come on. If I watch the replay four times and can't see the foul, I think that you, sir ref, are the one jumping the gun.
Thugz 4 Life. Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, etc. You guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, you can have whatever you want, and unfortunately, you do. I know that brains aren't your strong suit, but how can you guys just go around squandering everything you've got, getting into trouble, etc? It just doesn't make any sense and it bothers me. Football is essentially ritualized war, guys get into that certain mindset as if they're going to battle, and it carries over off the field. Not good. Shape up, guys. No excuse.
College marching bands at bowl games. Dear God, just shut up. We know your team scored a touchdown/a field goal/completed a pass/got a first down/took a step. If we have to hear you playing the fight song one more time, complete with close-ups of all the excited band nerds, I will throw a rock through my TV.

That's all I have for now; if I think of something to add to this list, I'll edit it in. In the meantime, thanks for visiting, keep checking this space for assorted updates (have to amuse myself as best I can until spring training games start -- the Death Valley for me is the few weeks in between the Super Bowl and spring training) and I'll do my best to balance my football/baseball blogs in the future. Check back for picks, team-by-team quarterback examinations, post-game wraps, etc.