Aaron Rodgers Is Whooping It Up

...and waiting for the other shoe to fall. So in the 24 hours between now and Favre changing his mind, Aaron is living the good life, swaggering around to every suburban-Wisconsin restaurant and saying slyly to every pretty blonde thing, "You know I'm the Packers' starting quarterback, right?" and chartering private jets and drinking Cristal and hosting mad parties and yukking it up. This is a yearly routine for poor Aaron, because before the aforementioned time frame is through, Favre is going to say, "What, I'm letting the KID play? Arr! Gimme me my spikes back and get outta my way, whippersnapper!" and crush Rodgers' dreams all over again. He will be left to sleep off his hangover and think about long-haul truck driving in the offseason to pay off all the debts he has amassed. Unless, of course, he actually is the Packers' starting quarterback.

Yep, it's official. Cheesehead Nation is flying the flags at half mast. Brett Favre has retired.

This shifts the balance of power in the NFC North, even if it's not entirely certain to who. The Vikings need a new quarterback, the Bears re-signed Rex Grossman, and the Lions didn't fire Matt Millen, and now the Packers will be helmed by a rookie instead of the Cheesehead Messiah for the first time in 17 years. It'll be interesting to see who emerges from that scrum, and how long Packers fans give Rodgers to turn into Favre; he and Cutler will have a lot to talk about about succeeding a beloved, career-long franchise quarterback. Rodgers will, however, have to avoid playing the part of Jake Plummer/Brian Griese (inept and generally disliked) and jump straight to the Jay Cutler part (young and on the rise, could make them forget about Elway/Favre).

Favre says he can still play, but is "tired," and was upset by the Packers' failure to get Randy Moss, so he's deciding to hang it up on his terms, evidently. It's been confirmed, evidently that early post on Packers.com about his retirement ended up to be correct, but I'm still not buying it. Nor, I imagine, is Aaron Rodgers. Quick, Aaron, do your yearly max-out of your black AmEx and go talk to your Vikings friends about organizing a Love Boat... but only if you're sure Favre is in fact coming back. Otherwise, take it easy, son. You're suddenly going to get a lot more popular.

Perhaps I am not being charitable enough to a guy who spent his whole career with the team, who is one of the best QBs in the sport, who made himself beloved to a lot of people in subzero temperatures wearing replica dairy products on their heads. Maybe I should put an animated .gif of an American flag and candles, along with little dolls bowing and a tinkly background version of an Avril Lavigne song. I actually have nothing against Favre, believe it or not, aside from hating all his media fellatio -- he was pretty good for a quote (My favorite, to a referee while on the sidelines: "Here's some advice for you. Take two weeks off, then quit.") and he's genuinely a tough guy and did a lot, to say the least, over his career. I just can't bring myself to be that, you know, sad, since you know he'll probably be back anyway.

As a matter of fact, it already happened. Rodgers had a chance to cement his role, but sadly, he came in for his final training session still suffering the aftereffects of his party last night, which led to Favre un-retiring on the spot. I continue to imagine conversations between quarterbacks and their backups below. Stereotypes (first Quinn, now Favre) are fun.

Favre: And you're gonna throw it that far. Allll the hell way down thar. That's how you throw a touchdown pass, son, just rear back and air it out down there, one of them speedy lil' black fellers'll catch it.
Rodgers: [laughs incoherently]
Favre: 'Cuz that's what I done all this 17 long years. 17 years, boy! How old were you when I was startin' out? 2?
Rodgers: [laughs, distracted by shiny object]
Favre: You probably wasn't born yet!
Rodgers: [eats sweatshirt sleeve]
Favre: Goddamn, boy. You smell like WEED!
Rodgers: [giggles]
Favre: You want some damn Doritos?
Rodgers: [giggles]
Favre: Shuddup, you're screwin' with my concentration. I'm tryin' to bequeath you my legacy, boy!
Rodgers: [munches on Fritos from pocket]
Favre: I cannot f*ckin' believe I am handin' the keys to my empire to this here chickenshit.
Rodgers: Have any [laughs for ten minutes]... cookies?
Favre: What the sam hill is so damn funny?
Rodgers: I'm feelin' GOOD! I'm feelin' FLY! [laughs] [falls over]
Favre: Oh fer the love of cotton-pickin' baby Jesus... how the hell am I supposed to go if they give the Pack this ...
Peter King: That's the point, Bretty! [is muffled]
Favre: [nudges Rodgers with his toe]
Rodgers: [snores beatifically]
[Long pause]
Favre: Gimme the ball.
Packers Fans: Never leave us!!!
Favre: Gimme the damn ball or I'm leavin'.
[Long pause]
Favre: Wait.

The Quarterback Quiz: Green Bay Packers

So my Internet, which is prone to go out at the drop of a hat anyway, went out last night in the middle of the turbulent windstorm we were having here in New York. Therefore, the Quarterback Quiz for the spiritual leader of Cheesehead Nation was delayed until tonight, but here we go. To be fair, I even included Aaron Rodgers, since the he will/he won't of the One Great Big Huge Favre Retirement Question is still going on. Just pick one way or another, or maybe he's being an altruist and saving a scrap of football news for the officially inaugurated offseason.

On a random note, am I the only one wondering how the heck Derek Anderson got named as Brady's replacement after watching him "play" in the Pro Bowl yesterday? Now, I realize this is unfair, as the referees called penalties on the NFC defense when they started actually trying, but Anderson's method was to waft a floater up there and hope one of his guys caught it. And besides, an AFC quarterback who had an 88 rating was ignored in favor of 82-rating Anderson (I don't have a clue who this would be, and I certainly don't know what team he plays for) so if they really wanted to get a replacement who's not going to be booted by Brady Quinn in a few years (Patrick Ramsey isn't that much of a threat... oops, forget I said that) they could have done differently.... But whatever.

The Cheesehead Messiah is examined next.

Green Bay Packers (13-3): Brett Favre

Favre, like Brady, needs no introduction, but this is my feature and I'm going to introduce him anyway, so shut up if you don't like it. (Mwah). Born in Kiln, Mississippi, he attended Hancock North Central High School (how can you be north and central? Crazy Southerners) where he was coached by his father and due to the run-heavy offense they employed, rarely threw more than five passes a game -- a 180 from his later, gunsling-at-will style of play. He got one college scholarship, to the University of Southern Mississippi, and followed it up, where he opened camp as the seventh-stringer quarterback but made a meteoric rise -- he took over as starter in the second half of the third game of the Golden Eagles' 1987 season. He did well there, but in 1990, just before the start of his senior season, was involved in a very serious car accident that almost cost him his life (rather like Roethlisberger) but Favre, also like Roethlisberger, made a complete and comparatively quick recovery, leading Southern Miss to a win over Alabama only six weeks later.

(In this interim, I am explaining the West Coast offense, 3-4/4-3 defense, the role of linebackers, and much more to my sister, who watches for the entertainment but does not know that much about positions, strategies, et al).

Anyway. Favre was drafted in the second round, 33rd overall, by the Atlanta Falcons, but since head coach Jerry Glanville was not a fan and was famously quoted as saying it would take a plane crash for him to put Favre in the game, he barely saw the field and attempted precisely four passes in his career as a Falcon. One was intercepted and run back for a touchdown, and none of the other three found friendly hands. You can say that the Falcons committed one of the great tactical blunders of all time when they unceremoniously turned Favre loose, and then Green Bay Packers general manager Ron Wolf, who had meant to take Favre before the Falcons nabbed him, traded up the following offseason to land his man. It turned out to be a solid investment, to say the least. Since September 20, 1992, Favre has not missed a game for the Pack, earning his reputation as an iron man. He holds the record for most consecutive starts by an NFL quarterback (275 including playoffs) as well as a slew of others: most career NFL TD passes (442) most career NFL interceptions (288) most career pass attempts (8,758) most career pass completions (5,377) most career passing yards (61,655) and most career QB victories (160). Not to mention the record for league MVP awards, three. As you might imagine, this has earned him deity status in Wisconsin, and he's played all of that in the frigid climes of the still roofless Lambeau Field, so his skin is tough enough to take anything. (Oh God, I'm sounding like Peter King again).

Favre led the Pack to the 1996 Super Bowl against the Patriots, who hadn't yet started their dynasty-winning ways, and made good; 14 of 27 passes, 246 yards, 2 TDs, and a 35-21 win over New England. But although the Pack made a return trip to the big game and were heavily favored in 1997 against the Denver Broncos, I think you know who won that one -- Elway, 31-24 (and he won the next one as well. Heh). Since 1998, the closest the Packers came to a losing season was a 8-8 campaign, at least until 2005. The Pack finished that year a miserable 4-12, Mike Sherman was fired, and was replaced by Mike McCarthy. Favre himself hasn't had the greatest success in the playoffs since 1998 -- his postseason record was 9-4 following the loss to the Broncos and has since fallen to 12-10. At one time he owned a 92.0 rating in the playoffs, but that too has fallen, to 70.1. Counting the NFC Championship loss to the Giants keyed by his crucial interception, he's 3-6 since then. But on March 1, 2001, he received a 10-year contract extension, making him the NFL's first $100 million man and the possibility (at least in theory) of him hanging around until 2011. Seeing as it's only 2008 and he's not sure he'll come back, that doesn't seem very likely.

One of Favre's history-making moments came on December 22, 2003, in an otherwise unremarkable game against the Oakland Raiders. His father had died in a car accident just the day before (eerily enough, in almost the exact same place Brett almost did) and he elected to play through it. Raiders fans, proving that they are sub-human instead of sub-sub-sub human, offered their support and condolences as well, which I suppose helped take the sting away from the fact that an emotional Favre threw for four touchdowns and 399 yards in delivering a 41-7 beatdown. He has suffered other off-field family trauma as well; his brother-in-law was killed in an ATV accident on his property, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, Hurricane Katrina swept through his hometown. But Favre, who is Tuff ™, soldiered on, and on November 4, 2007, joined Peyton Manning and Tom Brady as the only quarterbacks ever to have beaten all of the 31 other current NFL teams.

2007 also saw Favre enjoy a resurgence personally, as he compiled numbers of 28 TDs, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, and a 95.7 rating, his third-highest behind 99.5-rated 1995 and 95.8-rated 1996. The Packers beat the Seahawks 42-20 in the divisional playoffs, but famously fell to the Giants in an exciting NFC championship contest when Lawrence Tynes finally made good on his third field goal attempt. This led to Favre's yearly contemplation as to whether or not to retire, which has not yet been announced.

The heir to this lofty throne appears to be 24-year-old Aaron Rodgers. A Cal product who transferred there after three years with Illinois (his only Div I option out of high school) Rodgers led the Golden Bears (Golden Eagles, Golden Bears, I'm sensing a trend here) to a #4 national ranking in 2004, his senior season. The only game they lost that year was to #1 USC, where Rodgers nonetheless tied a NCAA record with 23 consecutive completed passes. Overall, that year, he threw for 209 of 316 (66.1 CP) and racked up 2,566 yards, 24 TD passes, and 8 INT for a 154.35 rating. He was named Cal's co-MVP, All-Pac 10, All-American, and Academic All-Pac 1o (an American Studies major) for his efforts, and was expected to be taken high in the 2005 draft. Although he slipped all the way to 24th overall, he was still the second quarterback chosen, and got rewarded for it with the Pack's stinker of a 4-12 record.

The next year, 2006, to add injury to insult, he broke his foot while being whitewashed by the Patriots, 35-0, and had to sit out to heal. But he was ready to go as a backup for the opening of 2007, and is probably the only person in Wisconsin thrilled by the prospect of Favre's retiring, since it means he gets a shot at the big banana. A musical type who plays acoustic guitar and piano, is nicknamed "A-Rod" and is a big Los Angeles Dodgers fan, it looks as if A-Rod lite (and hopefully much less annoying then the real one) may have to wait a little longer. At least until King Brett releases his announcement and Rodgers finds out if he'll be holding the clipboard or taking the snaps. If it's the latter, there will probably be some growing pains for the Pack with a young quarterback taking over the reins, but it's something every team has to go through when they're transitioning.

The NFC Championship: Surprising Dork vs. Savvy Geezer

This isn't necessarily the matchup that was supposed to happen -- if Patrick Crayton had caught that pass, the Cowboys would probably be the ones heading to subzero Green Bay for a rematch of the Ice Bowl -- but it did. Instead, the surprising Giants have ridden the #5 wild card seed all the way past the Buccaneers, the Cowboys, and now into Green Bay, where they battle the Packers for a trip to Super Bowl XLII. And since my internet is being slower than molasses today, it may take me a while to dig up all my numbers, but once we have them, I'll break down the matchup between the Lesser Brother and the Wisconsin Deity, better known as Eli Manning and Brett Favre.

Interesting sidenote time: I've had sort of a vested interest in the Giants since long before I ever followed football. When my sisters and I were kids, our dad's bedtime stories were set in New York with a vast cast of eccentric characters, and several of them played for the Giants. Buck Smith and Duke Novotny were the tackle and guard, Sparky Malone was the running back, Painless Johnson was a linebacker, and Joey (I wish I could remember his last name) was the cornerback. My dad having the fertile and demented imagination he does (hey, I had to get it from somewhere) they were all, um, interesting. Buck stuffed hamburgers in his helmet in case he got hungry on the field, Duke's idea of offseason training was to sit in front of the TV and eat M & M's by the fistful, Painless never spoke and ate wall telephones, Sparky ran backwards and dared the defensive "elephants" to catch him, and Joey sidelined as a fire-and-brimstone Harlem-church preacher. We used to laugh ourselves sick at them, and since I now go to school in NY anyway, I want the Giants to do it.

That diversion aside (and can you believe that Photobucket has still not opened? I am almost tempted to get on the arthritic desktop, it has to be faster) let's see about the specs.

How The Giants Can Win:

1. Like their underdog compatriots, the Chargers, the Giants have a strong running game -- 6'4/260 lb running back Brandon Jacobs and smaller, speedy Ahmad Bradshaw have both done well this year, and the Giants rank fourth in the NFL with an average of 134.2 rushing yards per game. The Packers rank fourteenth in run defense, allowing about 102.9 a game, so if the Giants can force that figure closer to what they normally rack up, they can find seams and score TDs without having to count on the Eli Manning Coming of Age continuing. Jacobs can use his size to gain yardage after the first hit, and Bradshaw has excellent speed.

2. Speaking of which, the Giants will need the aforementioned Eli Manning Coming of Age to continue. Heckled and belabored for years for not being his talented older brother, Eli nonetheless has done very well in the playoffs. He's finished 32 of 45 passes for 348 yards, a 71.1 completion percentage, four TDs, no picks, and a 123.2 rating. Asking Eli to air it out downfield is a recipe for a pick such as the 20 he suffered on the season, since he doesn't have Peyton's arm and accuracy and probably never will. But he's done well with short routes, counting on receivers Amani Toomer and Plaxico Burress to gain the yards, and will have to continue to play at this level and generally getting the fickle New York sports fans to throw all their support behind him and have them excited for him to be the guy. The bugaboo: The cold. Last time Eli was playing in frigid temperatures, the Buffalo game that the Giants nonetheless won, he fumbled five times, losing two, and got sacked and intercepted twice. He will have to avoid that type of turnover at all costs, but if he can be the same player he was against Tampa Bay and Dallas, the Giants will have doubled their odds -- they can rely on both the pass and the run. Eli lost a favored target when TE Jeremy Shockey broke his leg, but Kevin Boss has stepped up in his place.

3. Keep the Big Blue machine of the D well-stoked. The Giants have a fearsome defense that recorded 53 sacks while allowing only 28, and the combo of Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan can cause headaches for the Packers with their blitzing. (Earlier this season, the Giants actually sacked Eagles' QB McNabb a whopping 12 times, half of those by Umenyiora). They'll also need their battered corners to step up -- Sam Madison is out, Aaron Ross got shaken up last week in Dallas, and that leaves Gibril Wilson, Antonio Pierce, and Corey Webster to handle the picking duties. If the Giants lose any more cornerbacks, they practically won't have a secondary at all, and everyone knows how important a pass defense is against the ageless-wonder Favre.

4. Not allow the Green Bay mystique to get into their heads. It'll be about zero degrees Fahrenheit, cold as the blazes, in the far north with a bunch of screaming Cheeseheads drowning out Eli's best attempts at calling the signals all day. Lambeau is a terrifying place for an opponent, especially if it feels like you just walked into a freezer, but the Giants are now 9-1 on the road, their only loss coming against the Cowboys in the early going. (They have a rather pedestrian home record at 3-5, and this makes sense to me -- who would want to play in front of a bunch of bitter New Jersey drunks?) They, like the Chargers, have all the momentum and confidence in the world, and need to see if it'll be enough against the #2-seed Packers. Then again, they polished off the #1 seed Cowboys last week, and have shown they can handle pressure.

5. Not letting the Green Bay TV stations' plan to pull Seinfeld (Eli's favorite show) get into their heads. Just kidding.

How The Packers Can Win:

1. Take advantage of the sizable advantage they have in terms of familiarity with the climate. Eli and Brett Favre are both from the South (Eli from New Orleans, Louisiana; Favre from Kiln, Mississippi, but Favre has played the vast majority of his career in the arctic climes of Lambeau and is well used to it). The Packers practiced with balls that had been put in the freezer, in order to best mimic the conditions come Sunday, and since they played in a blinding snowstorm against the Seahawks, they aren't going to let a little thing like a high of zero bother them. Once you factor in that a wind chill could make it feel like -35, we really are hitting Ice Bowl rematch here. The Giants are going to be cold. So will the Packers. Fortunately for the Pack's chances, they're used to it.

2. Keep riding Brett Favre's spring of youth as far as it goes. The Pack ranked second only to the Patriots in terms of yards per game (370.7) and passing yards (270.9). 38-year-old cactus Favre put together another strong season -- 28 TD, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, a 95.7 rating (his highest since 2004, and third-highest of all time) and a 13-3 record in resuscitating the Packers, as happens every few years, to the NFC North title. Nobody's doubting that he's still perfectly able to win 'em when it counts, and since he may only be around for a few more years, the Pack is definitely motivated to help him go out on top.

3. Turn Eli-Peyton Manning back into Eli Manning. Before the postseason, Eli was talented but inconsistent, showing flashes of promise and then turning back into a pumpkin. If the Eli that fumbles and gets picked on a regular basis shows back up, the Giants fans who have been cautiously accepting him will return to scorning him, and the Giants themselves will have another offseason to prepare. In short, if the Pack can force Eli to show that his late-season success has been fluky, all they have to do is give to Favre, stop Strahan and Umenyiora, and let him gunsling at will. The Pack rank fourth in points scored with 27.2 on average a game, and sixth in points allowed by permitting only 18.2. The Giants rank fourteenth in points scored with 23.3, and 17th in points allowed with 21.9. A great deal of this can be attributed to how their quarterbacks played in the regular season.

4. Be careful when using the run game against the aforementioned tough Giants' D. Rookie RB Ryan Grant has been performing very well for the Pack, but the Giants hold opponents to 97.7 rush yards a game, good for eighth in the NFL, and the Pack run game languishes a distant 21st with 99.8. Like their compatriots the Patriots, the Packers rely heavily on the right arm of a very talented quarterback, and use the run game mainly to throw off the defense. However, since the Giants cornerbacks are so thin and dropping like flies, the Pack would be better off going passing-heavy and avoiding the still-formidable middle more than they strictly have to.

5. Find out what Osi Umenyiora's favorite show is and cancel that too.

Who Wins? Packers. I want the Giants to win, and will be rooting for them, but it's a pretty large leap to see Eli and Big Blue knocking off Brett and Giant Green on their own (frozen) tundra.

Lest You Think

that only Patriots fans are psychotic, I bring you compelling evidence to the contrary:

Father forces son to wear Pack jersey

So, this luminary and front-running candidate for Father of the Year evidently decided that since his 7-year-old wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey while they were whupping holy hell out of the Seattle Seahawks, there was proper call to tape him to a chair for an hour while also taping the disputed jersey to his person. Now, I'm sure that not all Cheeseheads are such bad parents, so I shall refrain from smearing anyone unnecessarily. But seeing as we were just talking about how sports fans are irrational by nature, maybe we should open an investigation into just how much they actually are. Booing your team's rival is one thing; physically forcing your young son to wear a jersey is quite another.

Then again, the report mentions that other domestic issues had surfaced, so maybe the guy's just off his rocker and the sports thing is just the tip of the iceberg. Fortunately, his wife asked for a restraining order against him, otherwise the fruitcake might be blithely forcing goldfish, doorknobs, mailboxes, and little old ladies to don Green and Gold. I hope his son grows up to root for the Bears or the Cowboys, just to spite him.