Jon Kitna: 1. Matt Millen: 0.

Either I am some kind of impressive psychic or Jon Kitna's influence on the heavenly ear is far more than even he thought. In news that nobody is at all sad about except for Matt Millen, Matt Millen finally got fired from his reign of terrorizing ineptitude in Detroit, in news that came about 114 games too late for Lions fans. Earlier this year, in my "roundup" of NFL news, I mentioned that Jon Kitna and Kurt Warner had a prayer session to deliver them from Matts, and thus far, it seems to be working. Millen finally got the boot, and Warner won over the starting QB job from Leinart, which means we need to steal their prayer diaries to see what else they're planning to call down on us now that they've finally succeeded in securing God's attention. (Kitna must be on it to get his knee fixed and throw fewer picks. First one: in the realm of possibility. Second one: call in the backups, Gabriel). Lions-Cardinals NFC championship game, here we come!

In case you haven't noticed, I really like writing snark about quarterbacks. I promise I may write an actual football post soon, but there's just so much other material to follow up with, especially since all my tongue-in-cheek recaps have turned out to be remarkably accurate. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Also, my boy Jay is still pretty awesome. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Matt Cassel Iz A Believer

Earlier this year, I touched on the fact that Matt Cassel had become the Patriots' resident sports theologian after continuing to struggle with the question of why God hates him so much and does not want him to play football. Behind Tom Brady, it looked as if the next time he played any sort of meaningful snap, it would be in Madden. But all Matt's years of imploring God and promising blood sacrifices have evidently not been in vain. Everyone has heard by now what happened -- Brady got Bernard Pollarded and is a wash for the year, Masshole fans have been committing suicide en masse, and Matt is rather taken aback at the success of his voodoo -- he was hoping for results, but not nearly so fast. He would have really preferred another few months to hide the evidence learn the playbook, dump his wife, and find a better, hotter supermodel to take her place, before turning into a flaming metrosexual and GQ cover boy, plus adding another hundred points or so to his career passer rating. Only then does Matt Cassel, Patriots Starting Quarterback *, feel confident enough to take over the reins.

* He and Aaron Rodgers have a lot to talk about.

Matt Cassel Sees God.

Now Matt, not Tom, will be in control of the Patriots offense, responsible for taking the snaps, reading the coverage, scanning for receivers, perfecting his fist pump, washing his jersey, developing a picture-perfect cleft in his chin, impregnating at least three women out of wedlock by the end of the year, buying a pashmina, bringing Laurence Maroney Gatorade on the sidelines, giving Tedy Bruschi his medicine, keeping Tawmmy from Quinzee in the stands and not on the field, instructing Kevin O'Connell in the serious art of holding the clipboard and pretending he has one iota of self-esteem, informing any gullible young supermodel that happens to be walking by that he's the Patriots' starting quarterback, selflessly volunteering to be the crash test dummy for the Giants' defense to practice on, and serving as Bill Belichick's general dogsbody, whether it's seducing his latest conquest, picking up his dry cleaning, re-painting his car, arranging his newspapers, making his coffee, sharpening his pencils, approving his evil smirk, or bending over in the shower room and taking it like a man after a bad defeat. Not, of course, that this would ever happen to the Patriots. Shock. Horror.

Honestly, you almost have to feel bad for the poor kid.

Get it together, chucklehead.

I'm serious, your days of sitting on the sidelines and dozing off are over.

Come on. Serious face! SERIOUS FACE!

You guys are screwed.

Patriots Fans: Still Mensa Material

Shoe's not so sweet when it's on the other foot, huh?

In an act of breathtaking idiocy which often seems to characterize this brain-cell-lacking fanbase, some enterprising and sadly, sadly misguided Patriots-fan potatohead wrote a petition to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl to be reviewed. Because... wait for it, wait for it... they think the Giants cheated by stopping the clock after the play was over and they were out of timeouts! They might have gotten two extra seconds! Never mind that the play was stopped by the referees while there was a measurement, since it was Brandon Jacobs getting a first down on a 4th-and-1 situation! Never mind that the Patriots accusing anyone of cheating is like Genghis Khan accusing Joe Schmo Serial Killer of bumping off too many people!

Fortunately, a great deal of the signatures on the petition are people who are deservedly blasting this group of whiny, entitled cheaters who think that because their beloved St. Brady got knocked around and Eli Manning gave him a bitter taste of his own medicine, they are somehow still "deserving" to be 19-0. Look, you idiots. The Patriots had 35 seconds with the ball, and went 4-and-out with a few missed Hail Marys in 34 seconds. All right, so you want more time to have the ball? Then Eli can prolong your agony and kneel down three times instead of one at the end of the game. Oh, sure, let's replay the 1:40 and let Brady get absolutely leveled by Jay Alford a few more times, that'd be fun. What is really just very sad and illuminating of you people's twisted psyche is that you cannot accept you got flat outplayed by a defense that was in Brady's face, around his legs, or jumping on his back all night. You in short are being introduced to why even Eagles, Redskins, and Cowboys fans were pulling for the Giants -- to save us all from your holier-than-thou "oh-whine-whine we clearly deserved this" bullshit.

I'm on the fence about the Pats team themselves, generally veering toward the dislike side, but their fans... yeah, I've mentioned before I can't stand the lot of them. Go back to 2005 and cry in your beer with Seahawks fans, but first, please wash the sand out of your vaginas, and since I am myself a woman, that is a grave insult. You are not "entitled" to be 19-0. You as a matter of fact have to admit that you met a team playing -- gasp! -- better football than you. It happens. I hope you lose twice to the Dolphins next year, then you'll really have something to cry about.

I still think it's hysterical that the Patriots fans are the ones complaining the Giants cheated (which they did not). Look, people, you should have lost to the Ravens before they bewilderingly let Rex Ryan, a defensive coordinator, call a timeout. The Ravens, as will be further elucidated in my Quarterback Quiz this evening, were by all accounts and measures a shitty football team this year. This is called karma, again, and thank God we were saved from you self-righteous douchenozzles being awarded the ability to preen, because we'd all have jumped into the sea by now and left you to take over the world. AAAAAAAH. No wonder I'm so jaded about humanity.

Now, I am willing to be charitable and admit that not all Patriots fans are this toxically idiotic. I will, however, bewail the State of the Pats/Sox/Bandwagon Nation at large.

I am ever more appreciative of the New York Giants' victory. Thank you, New York Giants.

In Which I Am Not Objective

Suck it, Boston. SUCK IT. There is a God in Heaven, and He will not let the Massholes celebrate two major sports championships in one year. Not that I'm a Yankees fan or anything (please, please kill me if you ever see that happening) but I have to see tonight as a little bit of karmic payback for 2004. Yeah, yeah, Boston vs. New York, completely overhyped, but now the Patriots are forever 18-1. This is how I suffered during the World Series, and of course, I'd rather that the Boston entrant lost then instead of now, but later is better than never.

19-NO!

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yes, I'm sick. And yes, I'm also going to bed now. Drown in your tears, Patriots fans. And I'm not even a Giants fan. I just count this suffering well deserved.