Lurking In the Shadows: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY QUINNN!!!!!

I mean, Gawddd, you'd never notice him. He's so, you know. Like, so. Inconthpicuouth.

Derek Anderson has to be hearing the footsteps now. After amassing a stunning stat line of 2 TD/5 INT/405 YD/43.5 RTG to start the season, GUESS WHO is lurking, waiting to take his place, to shock everyone with an explosion of starlight and pixie dust, and just be super duper fabulous on his way to leading the Browns to 13 straight wins, an AFC North title, a first round bye, dramatic victories over the Colts and Steelers, and an epic showdown in the Super Bowl against the Cowboys. Which he will then win, of course. Because Brady is just that cool. Because there is no resisting the allure of his shaggy hair, soulful eyes, chiseled abs, and overwhelming douchebaggery. Because the Brady Quinn Era is coming NOW. Because there ain't nothin' that can stand before the Cumslinger, Reborn.

But hey, don't go thinking that about Brady. He's just a nice Catholic boy who's been waiting for his chance. He hasn't been spiking Anderson's Gatorade with laxatives or anything nasty like that. He's just been doing his duty, serving his time, waiting patiently. He's a good kid. He's not gay, not if there was anything wrong with that if he was. Just because he can match color samples better than anyone on the team doesn't mean anything. You guys are so hard on him, seriously. Brady's not that bad. Sure, he's kind of got that spoiled athlete look down pat, and it's hard not to be jealous that the guy is making five kabillion dollars to stand on the sideline and perfect the angle of his pout, but c'mon. Wouldn't you want to be paid a lot of money to do something you loved? How can you fault him for working hard all his life to be rewarded like this? He's taken what he's been given and he certainly doesn't wish ill on Anderson so his time will come, since he knows it will. He just trusts in his God-given talent and lets the chips fall where they may. Seriously. You're too hard on him. Lay off.

I... uh....

Well, um, hem...

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation...

My dearest Mr. Quinn, I regret to inform you that you make it much too easy.

Brady Quinn Is Not Amused

Derek Anderson got a new contract from the Browns, who were reluctant to tinker with the juju that brought them their first winning season in quite a while -- leaving Queen to warm the bench, hold the clipboard, and mutter fruitlessly and be in denial for another few years. Despite being rich and self gay-hating, Queen just CAN'T get to be the starter on his own TEAM! It was never this bad at Notre Dame! In any case, I don't think the two Browns quarterbacks are exactly friends at this moment.

Due to my super-powered listening skills, I have determined that the conversation at the time this picture was taken was going something like this:

Anderson: I'm rich now, Brady.
Queen (grumpily): So am I, Derek.
Anderson: And I get to start.
Queen (muttering): Up yours.
Anderson: I'll pass.
Queen: You're just jealous 'cuz YOU'RE not a sex symbol.
Anderson: [long look] [decides against commenting]
Queen: ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE LOVE, IS THAT ALL RIGHT?!
Anderson: Dude. Chill the f*ck out.
Queen: I hate my life.
Anderson: Sorry to hear that. You still have it better than 99.9% of the people on this planet.
Queen: Somebody buy me a Mai Tai.
Anderson: No.
Queen: Be my friend, Derek.
Anderson: No.
Queen: Want some skittles?
Anderson: No.
Queen: Wanna taste the rainbow?
Anderson: No.
Queen: Come on, Derek! It was just a question! Why do you have to be so tempera--mental --
Anderson: Mr. Crennel? Is that you, Mr. Crennel! Yes, of course, I'm ready to run a scrimmage!
[runs off]
Queen (suspiciously): The defense is on the field, genius. See, I'm going to be a starting quarterback, I should notice these things.
[Anderson fails to return]
Queen (depressed): I must suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune alone.
Queen (nobly): It is my destiny. I, Brayden Tyler Quinn, will be a star one day, and no one can tell me otherwise for following my heart, for living my dream, for doing my best, and standing aside and waiting until the opportune moment. I have only one life, I must live it to the fullest. I must put aside those who do not care for me, who do not love me, and trust in myself in this wild, strange, long journey across the heartland of America into the hearts of pigskin-loving souls the country over. They will love me then, and I will love them back, and I will show them all along, I have held them in the same tender regard in which they esteem me.
Queen: [bursts into tears]
Queen: Damn, Brady, that was good.
[Anderson runs by, muttering]
Anderson: I changed my mind. I think I'll go to free agency after all.

The Quarterback Quiz: Cleveland Browns

The Cleveland Oranges, who decided that orange was a spiffier color to have on a football helmet than brown and to hell with what the name said (they added a brown stripe as an afterthought) got their sixth Pro Bowler this week when Tom Brady chickened out of pulled out of the contest to rest his wounded ego ankle. QB Derek Anderson joins teammates Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, Joe Thomas, Joshua Cribbs, and Ryan Pontbriand in Hawaii this weekend, where he too will be wearing an orange helmet that does not have a logo on it, not even a fancy-pants B or anything. Unlike them, however, Derek Anderson gets his own preview, which they do not. Nyah. *

* Not entirely true, he has to share it with this guy.

Cleveland Browns (10-6): Derek Anderson

The 24-year-old Anderson is still young and relatively inexperienced (this year was his first year as a full-time starter after ousting aging incumbent Charlie Frye, who was traded to the Seahawks) but has shown enough to be rewarded with a Pro Bowl selection. He put up numbers of 29 TDs against 19 picks, 3,787 yards, a 56.5 completion percentage, and a solid 82.5 rating, and since he is young and more than serviceable, one wonders when everybody's favorite target, Brady Quinn, will be seeing field time, or if Quinn will eventually end up being a starter on another team. (His whole sordid story, from slipping in the draft to contract holdout, is well-known, and although I'm sure he's a perfectly nice fellow, I still enjoy laughing at his expense, particularly his various incriminating photos and cheesy EAS energy drink endorsements. Yo, Brady, try waiting until you're actually the starter on an NFL team, and in that last picture? Yeah, you look like Kronk).

Anyway, I swear I'll be serious tonight, although I am in a bit of a punchy mood. My proclivities for laughing at young Brady Lite aside, a lot of teams wish they had the Browns' "dilemma" of choosing between two young and talented quarterbacks. Everyone knows that Quinn went to Notre Dame; Anderson is a product of Oregon State. In three years in the Beaver program, he guided them to records of 8-5, 8-5, and 7-5, playing in three bowls, the Insight twice and Las Vegas once. (In the second Insight Bowl, in his senior year of 2004, the Beavers and Anderson coincidentally faced -- and beat -- the Fighting Irish and Quinn, 38-21, helped along by 359 yards, 4 TD, and no interceptions from Anderson). In 2003, he set an Oregon State record with 4,058 passing yards, and also holds the record for most passing yards overall at 11,249 for his career. Despite this, he fell to the sixth round, where he was taken 213th overall by the Baltimore Ravens in 2005. However, he didn't play for them and was waived on September 20 of that year; the Browns scooped him up the very next day. Considering that Kyle Boller and Steve McNair are Baltimore's current options at quarterback, one imagines that decision hurts a little. Then again, they do have former Heisman winner Troy Smith, who couldn't develop fast enough to save Brian Billick's ass. At least the Ravens can always count on the Orioles being worse than they are, and they've won a championship and a few division titles in the last decade, something the Orioles cannot say similarly.

A big quarterback at 6'6/230 lb (some speculated he would play basketball instead of football in college) Anderson nonetheless runs well, recorded three rushing TDs this year, and scrambled for 33 yards in overtime against the Kansas City Chiefs last season to set up the Browns' come-from-behind 31-28 victory. (He rushed 32 times for 70 yards this year, averaging 2.2 yards an attempt, which was useful in quarterback-sneak and short-yardage situations). He has a very strong arm and an ever-evolving awareness of receiver sets, but in college was criticized as being too much of a pocket passer and making too many poor decisions under pressure. A year in the NFL has helped with some of those flaws (and nobody's perfect. Not even you, Patriots. Yes, I'm still enjoying that) and so did a professional O-line guarding him, as Anderson was sacked just 14 times and fumbled 5 times, losing two. Since his skills are still evolving, he's now a Pro Bowler even if it was only on ceremony when Brady stepped down, he led the Browns to their best record since 1994, and he's young and improving, look for him to stay in this spot for several more years. Unless that EAS stuff really is as good as advertised, Brady Quinn turns into the Incredible Hulk, and starts smashing it up. You never know.