The Quarterback Quiz: Detroit Lions

What with today's Brady Queen foolery concluded, it's time to get back to the regularly scheduled feature. That being the Quarterback Quiz, which today stars Mister Christian ™ Jon Kitna -- who almost assuredly disapproves of the whole gay thing. One half of the NFL's uber-devout signal callers (the other being Kurt Warner) Kitna, when asked after the Lions' annual Thanksgiving Day game (this year against the Packers, who trounced them) what he was grateful for, answered, "That I don't have to go to hell." Interesting modus operandi there, Jonny. He also is the proprietor of the Jon & Jennifer Kitna Eternal Blessings Foundation, which means that if you want to trust him to pass you on up to heaven, you have to be careful, as you might be intercepted by agents of the Devil. That happens to Kitna a lot too on the playing field, not just the spiritual one. Unfortunately his heavenly radiance has not been enough to lead the Lions to deliverance from their perpetual poltroonery. Need more brownie points, Jon. Or a higher rating.

Detroit Lions (7-9): Jon Kitna

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my. The Bears led Rex Grossman to Super Bowl XLI and got dismantled by the Colts, the Tigers finally pulled their heads out of their sphincters, made it to the World Series in 2006 and got dismantled by the Cardinals, but the Lions are still made of fail. They won four championships in the pre-Super Bowl era, but have not made it to the big game since, and have exactly one playoff win to their credit, in 1991. Due to Barry Sanders, they enjoyed some success in the 1990s, making the playoffs in '93, '94, '95, '97, and '99, but lost humiliatingly in the first round each time. Then they hired Matt Millen as president/CEO, and it all went to hell. During 2001, 2002, and 2003, the club did not win a single game away from Ford Field, and since Millen took over the team, their won-loss record is 31-81, a Kansas City Royals-like .277 clip. He has a history of outrageously poor draft selection and had no business experience when he took over the team.Yet despite this, bewilderingly (and maddeningly, for long-suffering Lions fans) he got a five-year extension at the end of 2005. Detroit fans are trying everything to get him out of there, including organizing walkouts and hoping the team loses to hasten his firing, but a fat pie of fail hasn't booted him yet. A contingent of Lions fans, displaying remarkable devotion, actually organized a mass event to all show up in Bengals colors when the Lions were playing them in 2005. None of this has worked. This year, the Lions started 6-2, and then realizing they were doing too well to be the Detroit Lions, finished the season 1-7. Millen kept his job, despite that "Fire Millen!" is becoming as ubiquitous a chant to Michigan as "Yankees Suck!" is to Massachusetts.

Into this black hole of football operations came the saintly Jon Kitna. After spending the first nine years of his career splitting time between the Seattle Seahawks, who first signed him as an undrafted free agent, and later the Cincinnati Bengals where he was instrumental in prepping Carson Palmer, Kitna joined the club in 2006. He signed a four-year contract as a free agent, which means that he's tenured for two more seasons, and started all sixteen games that year, recording (by the grace of God, undoubtedly) a 62.4 CP, 4,208 yards, 21 TD/22 INT, and a 79.9 rating. The Lions finished an unqualifiedly abysmal 3-13, dead last in the NFC North, which makes this year's record, two games south of .500, look positively Patriots-like. This year, Kitna again made all sixteen starts, completing 63% of his passes for 18 TDs, 20 INT, 4,068 yards, and an 80.9 rating. (Believe it or not, he does have more career TD passes than picks -- 147 to 146. Better watch those corners, Jon). Kitna has a good arm and can rack up the yards, as evidenced by those big totals, but has always had a propensity for getting picked, which happens when you keep floating them out there. He also guaranteed in March of 2007 that the Lions would win at least 10 games, so he must have attended Pat Robertson's school of predictions. Hey, 7 is only three off from 10, don't hate.

Kitna, a three-sport athlete in high school (football, baseball, and basketball) actually attended Division II Central Washington University, where he quarterbacked the Wildcats for three years and led them to the NAIA National Football Championship (whatever the hell that is; it sounds prestigious) in 1995. He had a 58.8% career completion percentage, 12,353 passing yards, 99 TDs and 59 INTs; the fact that these numbers aren't overwhelming, combined with a Div II school, probably explained why Kitna didn't get drafted. But the Seahawks, as mentioned, signed him as a rookie free agent and he saw time with the club between 1997 and 2000, starting 33 of 64 games and recording his most successful season in 1999; he had a 54.5 CP, 3,346 yards, 23 TD to 16 INT, and a 77.7 rating, the highest he posted in his time as a starter there.

In 2001, he moved onto Cincinnati, where he started 15 of 16 games but only recorded a 61.1 rating, 12 TDs, 22 INTs, and a 53.9 CP. He saw relatively similar fortunes in 2002, but in 2003, he played every down and was named Comeback Player of the Year for guiding the Bengals to a break-even 8-8 season, their first non-losing campaign since 1996. (So he does have experience steering teams back from the abyss, but maybe not even his holy powers can help the Lions). Kitna enjoyed a very strong season, as he finished 62.3 percent of his passes for 3,591 yards, 26 TD to 15 INT, and a 87.4 rating, but that was his last as a starter with Cincinnati. The Bengals had just drafted Heisman winner Palmer to take over the job, and Kitna stepped into the role of guide and mentor; the two men also developed a close friendship off the field, helped along by their mutual love of golfing. (No word on Palmer's opinion of Kitna's other hobbies, which include Bible stories, boating, and camping. Also, amusing typo: Kitna's Wikipedia page lists him as 16 feet, 2 inches, but I assure you, he's a much more pedestrian 6'2". Perhaps someone saw him right after he'd eaten his Holy Wheaties).

Kitna's backup this year was J.T. O'Sullivan, but next year will be 23-year-old Michigan State product Drew Stanton, who was placed on injured reserve by the team before the season even started; he was taken 43rd overall by the Lions out of MSU in 2007. Due to Millen's questionable draft history, Stanton will be under a microscope, and since he hasn't played a down with the big club, it's too early to judge if the Lions regard him as the quarterback of the future. Kitna, meanwhile, is 35 and has 2 years left on his contract, so once it runs out, he may want to get on to his life after football, which he has all planned out. Aside from the whole Eternal Blessings thing, Kitna, who has a degree in math education from CWU, plans to teach high school when he's done (his wife wants to teach physical education, which you think would be the other way around, but even football players get tired of running around all the time). Meanwhile, Stanton will presumably be the one attempting valiantly to resurrect the moribund Lions, and you can analyze their on-field weaknesses, of which there are many, up the wazoo. (The Lions ranked a woeful 31st in offensive rush yards with 80.9 a game, and flat at the bottom in several defensive categories -- 32nd in points allowed a game with an average of 27.2, 32nd in yards allowed a game with an average of 377.6, 31st in pass defense with 258.2 yards allowed a game, and 23rd in run defense with 119.4 yards allowed a game). Yet despite this, they managed a 7-9 record and thus will be picking 15th, instead of 2nd as they were last year. Besides, Millen can't be counted on not to screw things up, and that is the real problem with this franchise. Until he goes, the guy taking the snaps will just be collateral.

Presented With No Comment

I swear.... I swear....

From Cleveland.com:

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police.

The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill at 790 North High St. The Mexican restaurant is next door to the Union Cafe Bar + Food, one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

I swear. I won't say anything. I won't even remark on why crotch-grabber extraordinaire Quinn, upon being caught in a gay neighborhood, resorts to closeted self-loathing. Pot, kettle.... And yet, I can't hate Brady Quinn. You can't hate him either, even though he seems intent on giving you opportunity to do so at every turn. He is just good for laughter, and laughter is a good thing for all of us. Then again, he is a gigantic vagina, except.... okay, that's too easy, I won't go there. Brady Queen sounds better.

Update: Yet another amusing picture of everybody's favorite sexually confused draft holdout has surfaced. I don't know if it's been altered or not (found it on Deadspin) but I think it proves my point.

Also, one other thing. The incident allegedly took place on New Year's, which is traditionally a big party day for Queen's species. * Young Brady, who is found to be attractive by many members of the female sex (myself not included) is also amply provisioned with $20 million in his pockets and plays the most high-profile position on a team with singularly devoted fans, a few years off a successful career for a high-profile collegiate program. And yet, instead of off finding beautiful women in a feeble attempt to prove his heterosexuality and celebrate 2008, he has nothing better to do than stand outside gay bars and call the crow black while wearing a fine set of raven feathers stuck to his butt? **

Jon Kitna, who does not approve of this behavior***, will be profiled tonight.

* Young stupid jocks.

** The raven feathers are not mentioned in the report, but they very easily COULD have been there. In fact, they were, you just needed 3-D spy glasses to see them.

*** The gayness, that is.

The Quarterback Quiz: Minnesota Vikings

Purple Jesus, as Adrian Peterson is affectionately known by Vikings-fan Big Daddy Drew over at NFL humor blog par excellence Kissing Suzy Kolber, did his part to further the interests of the organization Sunday at the Pro Bowl, rushing for 16 carries, 129 yards, and 2 TDs while picking up Most Valuable Player honors (you can argue it means zilch since it's the Pro Bowl and opposing defenses are more interested in taking in the sun and collecting a game check, but whatever). Vikings fans hope this signifies a return to the norm, as Peterson struggled in the last four games when opposing defenses began to focus more exclusively on him and his great asset is his explosive playmaking ability no matter the coverage. Head coach Brad Childress has remarked that Peterson needs to improve (even though he won the rushing title as a rookie) but it's also what happens when you have a great running game (164.6 average ranked first in the league) and a terrible passing game (171.6 coming in a distant 28th). The Vikes will need to address this situation, which is also addressed by me below. Hooray for prescience.

Minnesota Vikings (8-8): Tarvaris Jackson

(Is that or is that not a stupid-looking logo? The plain horns, which technically are historically incorrect, look much better. Then again, at least the logo isn't an accountant in a Helga Hat, which would be sad yet amusing).

Tarvaris Jackson plays what is typically the most important offensive position on a team that's all about the other side of offense, so he routinely gets upstaged by his running back. In a sign of how much the Vikings take advantage of their NFL AP Offensive Rookie of the Year, Peterson, no fewer than seven different players attempted passes this year, including veteran Kelly Holcomb, backup Brooks Bollinger, wide receiver Sidney Rice, punter Chris Kluwe, running back Chester Taylor, and running back Mewelde Moore. No wonder the Vikings are having trouble at the quarterback spot... half the team has taken their turns seeing if they can do better than Tarvaris, who to add insult to injury had the lowest rating of the lot (except for Taylor and Moore, whose one attempt each fell incomplete to leave them with a 0.0 for their efforts).

Jackson grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, and attended the University of Arkansas for portions of two seasons before being edged out at quarterback by Matt Jones (now a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars). He transferred to hometown, Division I-AA Alabama State University, where, in his senior year, he finished with numbers of 2,655 yards, 25 TD/5 INT, and a 61.1% completion percentage; his overall collegiate statistics included 67 TD/27 INT, 7,838 yards, and 537 completions of 985 total attempts. For his efforts, he became the first Alabama State quarterback drafted since Ricky Jones in 1992, the first I-AA quarterback since Spergon Wynn in 2000, and the fifth quarterback chosen that year, with the Vikings' last pick of the second round (64th overall). This was a surprise, seeing as he was projected as a mid-to-late-round choice, but the Vikings had been following his performance closely for some time and leapt at the opportunity to secure their man. Head coach Childress, quarterbacks coach Kevin Rogers (who developed Donovan McNabb) and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell saw Jackson as the type of "clay" to whom they could teach a new system, and thus far the results of their experiment are inconclusive.

Jackson did well in the 2006 preseason, compiling a 106.1 passer rating and ranking 15th of 110 qualifiers (he was second among quarterbacks of the 2006 draft class, as a fellow by the name of Jay Cutler did him one better). He also showed some ability to scramble, averaging 11.3 yards (!) an attempt and, at the time, the team's second best rusher behind Brad Johnson. But up until Week 16 of the 2006 season, Johnson remained installed as the Vikings' starting quarterback, although Jackson saw time in Week 15 against the Jets. Jackson was tabbed for the job for good in Week 16 against the Packers and oversaw a dismal effort that saw the Vikings record only three first downs all game, gain only 27 passing yards against a 26th-ranked pass defense, never get even close enough to the end zone for a field goal, and ultimately lose 9-7. (Fred Smoot -- yes, the one in the whole Vikings Love Boat scandal -- intercepted and ran back a Favre pass for their only score). Jackson himself recorded 10 completions in 20 attempts, 50 yards, 1 interception, and a fumble, but he still entered 2007 as a starter.

2007 was a bit of an up-and-down year for the Vikings and Jackson. Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor made a highly effective run duo, but Jackson struggled, throwing four picks in a game against the Lions and 12 total on the year, against only 9 TD passes. He started 12 of 16 games (Holcomb started three and Bollinger one) and finished with 1,911 yards and a 70.8 rating. At one point the Vikings won five straight and looked to edge into the playoffs as a wild-card seed, but both good and bad was on display in their season-closing Week 17 matchup against the Broncos. The Vikings fought back from a 19-3 deficit with sixteen points in the fourth quarter (two straight touchdowns and successful two-point conversions, while I screamed obscenities at my television set) to force overtime, and then they won the toss. Jackson was sacked and fumbled on the second play from scrimmage, however, and the Broncos ran it back in range for Jason Elam to seal a 22-19 win with a 30-yard field goal. The loss ended both the Vikings' season and their hopes for the playoff seed that the Redskins took, which closed an 8-8 2007 outing.

Jackson continued to be an effective runner (260 yards in 54 attempts, averaging 4.8 yards a touch, and 3 rushing TDs) which goes further to show that the current Minnesota offensive scheme is all about moving the ball on the ground. As Childress noted, the Vikes were much less potent when opposing defenses bottled up Peterson consistently, so they'll need to develop another plan of attack. But what they really need help with is a pass defense. The Vikings ranked first in the league at stopping the run (74.1 yards allowed on average a game) but ranked absolutely dead last in stopping the pass, allowing opponents to put up an average of 264.1 yards on them a game. Safeties Dwight Smith and Darren Sharper recorded four interceptions apiece, defensive end Kevin Williams and outside linebacker Chad Greenaway even came up with two each, but corners Antoine Winfield, Marcus McCauley, and Cedric Griffin recorded one -- in between all three of them, and that was Winfield's. Their .500 record means that the Vikings will pick 17th in this year's draft, but fortunately for them, there is a strong defensive class reporting for duty. They'll want to take a look, and focus on improving both pass defense and offense. Jackson is still young and everyone knows that quarterbacks are a different breed who develop at their own speed, so it's not likely he has a fire under his heels just yet or has to be looking over his shoulder. Then again, as the seven different pass-attempters this year proved, the Vikes are still looking for the winning formula behind center.

The Quarterback Quiz: Green Bay Packers

So my Internet, which is prone to go out at the drop of a hat anyway, went out last night in the middle of the turbulent windstorm we were having here in New York. Therefore, the Quarterback Quiz for the spiritual leader of Cheesehead Nation was delayed until tonight, but here we go. To be fair, I even included Aaron Rodgers, since the he will/he won't of the One Great Big Huge Favre Retirement Question is still going on. Just pick one way or another, or maybe he's being an altruist and saving a scrap of football news for the officially inaugurated offseason.

On a random note, am I the only one wondering how the heck Derek Anderson got named as Brady's replacement after watching him "play" in the Pro Bowl yesterday? Now, I realize this is unfair, as the referees called penalties on the NFC defense when they started actually trying, but Anderson's method was to waft a floater up there and hope one of his guys caught it. And besides, an AFC quarterback who had an 88 rating was ignored in favor of 82-rating Anderson (I don't have a clue who this would be, and I certainly don't know what team he plays for) so if they really wanted to get a replacement who's not going to be booted by Brady Quinn in a few years (Patrick Ramsey isn't that much of a threat... oops, forget I said that) they could have done differently.... But whatever.

The Cheesehead Messiah is examined next.

Green Bay Packers (13-3): Brett Favre

Favre, like Brady, needs no introduction, but this is my feature and I'm going to introduce him anyway, so shut up if you don't like it. (Mwah). Born in Kiln, Mississippi, he attended Hancock North Central High School (how can you be north and central? Crazy Southerners) where he was coached by his father and due to the run-heavy offense they employed, rarely threw more than five passes a game -- a 180 from his later, gunsling-at-will style of play. He got one college scholarship, to the University of Southern Mississippi, and followed it up, where he opened camp as the seventh-stringer quarterback but made a meteoric rise -- he took over as starter in the second half of the third game of the Golden Eagles' 1987 season. He did well there, but in 1990, just before the start of his senior season, was involved in a very serious car accident that almost cost him his life (rather like Roethlisberger) but Favre, also like Roethlisberger, made a complete and comparatively quick recovery, leading Southern Miss to a win over Alabama only six weeks later.

(In this interim, I am explaining the West Coast offense, 3-4/4-3 defense, the role of linebackers, and much more to my sister, who watches for the entertainment but does not know that much about positions, strategies, et al).

Anyway. Favre was drafted in the second round, 33rd overall, by the Atlanta Falcons, but since head coach Jerry Glanville was not a fan and was famously quoted as saying it would take a plane crash for him to put Favre in the game, he barely saw the field and attempted precisely four passes in his career as a Falcon. One was intercepted and run back for a touchdown, and none of the other three found friendly hands. You can say that the Falcons committed one of the great tactical blunders of all time when they unceremoniously turned Favre loose, and then Green Bay Packers general manager Ron Wolf, who had meant to take Favre before the Falcons nabbed him, traded up the following offseason to land his man. It turned out to be a solid investment, to say the least. Since September 20, 1992, Favre has not missed a game for the Pack, earning his reputation as an iron man. He holds the record for most consecutive starts by an NFL quarterback (275 including playoffs) as well as a slew of others: most career NFL TD passes (442) most career NFL interceptions (288) most career pass attempts (8,758) most career pass completions (5,377) most career passing yards (61,655) and most career QB victories (160). Not to mention the record for league MVP awards, three. As you might imagine, this has earned him deity status in Wisconsin, and he's played all of that in the frigid climes of the still roofless Lambeau Field, so his skin is tough enough to take anything. (Oh God, I'm sounding like Peter King again).

Favre led the Pack to the 1996 Super Bowl against the Patriots, who hadn't yet started their dynasty-winning ways, and made good; 14 of 27 passes, 246 yards, 2 TDs, and a 35-21 win over New England. But although the Pack made a return trip to the big game and were heavily favored in 1997 against the Denver Broncos, I think you know who won that one -- Elway, 31-24 (and he won the next one as well. Heh). Since 1998, the closest the Packers came to a losing season was a 8-8 campaign, at least until 2005. The Pack finished that year a miserable 4-12, Mike Sherman was fired, and was replaced by Mike McCarthy. Favre himself hasn't had the greatest success in the playoffs since 1998 -- his postseason record was 9-4 following the loss to the Broncos and has since fallen to 12-10. At one time he owned a 92.0 rating in the playoffs, but that too has fallen, to 70.1. Counting the NFC Championship loss to the Giants keyed by his crucial interception, he's 3-6 since then. But on March 1, 2001, he received a 10-year contract extension, making him the NFL's first $100 million man and the possibility (at least in theory) of him hanging around until 2011. Seeing as it's only 2008 and he's not sure he'll come back, that doesn't seem very likely.

One of Favre's history-making moments came on December 22, 2003, in an otherwise unremarkable game against the Oakland Raiders. His father had died in a car accident just the day before (eerily enough, in almost the exact same place Brett almost did) and he elected to play through it. Raiders fans, proving that they are sub-human instead of sub-sub-sub human, offered their support and condolences as well, which I suppose helped take the sting away from the fact that an emotional Favre threw for four touchdowns and 399 yards in delivering a 41-7 beatdown. He has suffered other off-field family trauma as well; his brother-in-law was killed in an ATV accident on his property, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, Hurricane Katrina swept through his hometown. But Favre, who is Tuff ™, soldiered on, and on November 4, 2007, joined Peyton Manning and Tom Brady as the only quarterbacks ever to have beaten all of the 31 other current NFL teams.

2007 also saw Favre enjoy a resurgence personally, as he compiled numbers of 28 TDs, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, and a 95.7 rating, his third-highest behind 99.5-rated 1995 and 95.8-rated 1996. The Packers beat the Seahawks 42-20 in the divisional playoffs, but famously fell to the Giants in an exciting NFC championship contest when Lawrence Tynes finally made good on his third field goal attempt. This led to Favre's yearly contemplation as to whether or not to retire, which has not yet been announced.

The heir to this lofty throne appears to be 24-year-old Aaron Rodgers. A Cal product who transferred there after three years with Illinois (his only Div I option out of high school) Rodgers led the Golden Bears (Golden Eagles, Golden Bears, I'm sensing a trend here) to a #4 national ranking in 2004, his senior season. The only game they lost that year was to #1 USC, where Rodgers nonetheless tied a NCAA record with 23 consecutive completed passes. Overall, that year, he threw for 209 of 316 (66.1 CP) and racked up 2,566 yards, 24 TD passes, and 8 INT for a 154.35 rating. He was named Cal's co-MVP, All-Pac 10, All-American, and Academic All-Pac 1o (an American Studies major) for his efforts, and was expected to be taken high in the 2005 draft. Although he slipped all the way to 24th overall, he was still the second quarterback chosen, and got rewarded for it with the Pack's stinker of a 4-12 record.

The next year, 2006, to add injury to insult, he broke his foot while being whitewashed by the Patriots, 35-0, and had to sit out to heal. But he was ready to go as a backup for the opening of 2007, and is probably the only person in Wisconsin thrilled by the prospect of Favre's retiring, since it means he gets a shot at the big banana. A musical type who plays acoustic guitar and piano, is nicknamed "A-Rod" and is a big Los Angeles Dodgers fan, it looks as if A-Rod lite (and hopefully much less annoying then the real one) may have to wait a little longer. At least until King Brett releases his announcement and Rodgers finds out if he'll be holding the clipboard or taking the snaps. If it's the latter, there will probably be some growing pains for the Pack with a young quarterback taking over the reins, but it's something every team has to go through when they're transitioning.

The Quarterback Quiz: Baltimore Ravens

Interesting note: The Ravens are the latest hot ticket for people trying to cadge another record $2.6 million bleeder out of Vegas. Seeing as the odds laid on them to win Super Bowl XLIII are wavering between 100-1 and 50-1, some enterprising Marylanders are trying to get rich quick by placing bets on their lovable poltroons to win the big banana. This, to say the least, is, uh... unlikely. Oh, America.

Baltimore Ravens (5-11): Kyle Boller/Steve McNair/Troy Smith/Yo Momma

Every year that goes by is another that the Ravens are removed, in more ways than one, from their Super Bowl XXXV title, which came in 2000, coincidentally against the current World Champion Giants. (Fun fact: The name "Ravens" references Edgar Allan Poe, who spent the last part of his life in Baltimore and is buried there. "Quoth the Raven: Nevermore" takes on a whole new meaning when applied to this currently hapless franchise). This upcoming season will be their 11th, once all the Cleveland moving controversy got settled in the mid 90's, and while they surprised everyone by going 13-3 in 2006 and got talked about as a preseason contender, they came crashing back to earth with a 5-11 record this year. In the meantime, they're having a quarterback shuffle enough to inspire more Poe-ian existential crises, with Boller having served the most duty this year, McNair a wily (but no longer particularly good) veteran, and Smith a former Heisman winner who dropped all the way to the fifth round in the 2007 draft, where the Ravens scooped him up. Smith nominally took over the starting job with Boller's injury (and helped the Ravens break a nine-game losing skid in Week 17) but it'll take another year to see how that plays out on the field.

Boller, in his fifth year in the league, is not a top-flight talent. His 75.2 rating this year was his highest ever as a starter, and he threw 9 TD to 10 INT, with 1,743 yards and a 61.1 CP. In 2004, his last year as a full-time starter, his rating was a fairly dismal 70.9, and since he's had five years with the team, it's not likely he's suddenly going to showcase an improved ability, even though he's still young at the age of 26 and the case of Eli Manning proved you have to be patient with quarterback prospects. This is a fall for a prospect considered one of the top in the nation coming out of Berkeley for the 2003 draft, and who was taken first by the Ravens, nineteenth overall. Boller, the franchise leader in passing yards, attempts, and completions (not that difficult, considering the team's been around for just over a decade) has had his moments, but when Steve McNair was acquired by the team in 2006, they named him the starter instead. McNair made good on this for that season, registering numbers of a 63% CP, 3,050 yards, 16 TD to 12 INT, and a 82.5 rating while leading the Ravens to their 13-3 finish. He took a sharp fall in 2007, starting six games and throwing only two TD passes and four picks; oddly enough, he recorded the highest completion percentage of his career at 64.9. His rating was 73.9, and since the Ravens themselves weren't particularly good (to put a charitable gloss on it) it didn't really matter who was taking the snaps.

Boller started the fateful Monday Night Football game against the Patriots, where the Ravens had twice stopped the Pats on fourth down in the closing minutes of the game, only to have both negated, one by a timeout that shouldn't have been allowed to be called and one on a holding penalty. Naturally, Tom Brady did his thing and the Patriots just escaped with a victory, but the game raised hopes of future great things; at the time, it put them at 4-8, the sixth game of their losing streak after starting 4-2. The Ravens proceeded to lose their next three games as well, including a 22-16 overtime defeat to the previously winless Dolphins, and entered Week 17 at 4-11.

Their third option for the offense was rookie Troy Smith. An OSU prospect that had played three years for the Buckeyes, he'd won a Heisman and yet the Buckeyes' sloppy loss to the Gators in the BCS National Championship, coupled with poor personal play, dropped his draft stock dramatically. Skipping the NFL Combine, where prospects traditionally showcase their skills for scouts and recruiters, also didn't help, which combined to let him slip on the board all the way to the fifth round. Smith had been lobbying hard for his hometown Browns to draft him, but they of course ended up with Brady Quinn and Smith went to Baltimore. He signed with the Ravens in July 2007 and was elevated to third-stringer status when Drew Olson was released, second-stringer when Boller was named the starter and McNair went on IR. However, Smith was given a chance for the starting job in Week 16 and 17, and in the last game of the season, helped the Ravens break their nine-game losing streak with a win over the division-rival Steelers. Smith went 16 of 27 with 1 TD pass and a 90.2 rating for the game, and the Ravens edged the Steelers 27-21 to finish at 5-11.

This monstrously disappointing season caused Brian Billick to be relieved of his job on New Year's Eve, and the 2008 Ravens will enter the season with an overhauled coaching corps (oddly enough, they fired, and then re-hired, defensive coordinator Rex Ryan). John Harbaugh, the former Eagles special teams coach, is now head coach, and exiled ex-Dolphin head coach Cam Cameron is offensive coordinator. (Which, if I was a Ravens fan, wouldn't make me feel very confident). Cameron, however, has a reputation for developing quarterbacks, which could be a good thing for Smith's prospects as a starter. It doesn't seem likely that they'll go back to McNair, but might give Boller another shot out of nepotism. Boller's contract only goes one more year, so it's most likely that they'll groom Smith to be the signal-caller of the future. It remains to be seen if this will help them, or if the Ravens will keep croaking "Nevermore" in regards to their status as a competitive team.

Patriots Fans: Still Mensa Material

Shoe's not so sweet when it's on the other foot, huh?

In an act of breathtaking idiocy which often seems to characterize this brain-cell-lacking fanbase, some enterprising and sadly, sadly misguided Patriots-fan potatohead wrote a petition to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl to be reviewed. Because... wait for it, wait for it... they think the Giants cheated by stopping the clock after the play was over and they were out of timeouts! They might have gotten two extra seconds! Never mind that the play was stopped by the referees while there was a measurement, since it was Brandon Jacobs getting a first down on a 4th-and-1 situation! Never mind that the Patriots accusing anyone of cheating is like Genghis Khan accusing Joe Schmo Serial Killer of bumping off too many people!

Fortunately, a great deal of the signatures on the petition are people who are deservedly blasting this group of whiny, entitled cheaters who think that because their beloved St. Brady got knocked around and Eli Manning gave him a bitter taste of his own medicine, they are somehow still "deserving" to be 19-0. Look, you idiots. The Patriots had 35 seconds with the ball, and went 4-and-out with a few missed Hail Marys in 34 seconds. All right, so you want more time to have the ball? Then Eli can prolong your agony and kneel down three times instead of one at the end of the game. Oh, sure, let's replay the 1:40 and let Brady get absolutely leveled by Jay Alford a few more times, that'd be fun. What is really just very sad and illuminating of you people's twisted psyche is that you cannot accept you got flat outplayed by a defense that was in Brady's face, around his legs, or jumping on his back all night. You in short are being introduced to why even Eagles, Redskins, and Cowboys fans were pulling for the Giants -- to save us all from your holier-than-thou "oh-whine-whine we clearly deserved this" bullshit.

I'm on the fence about the Pats team themselves, generally veering toward the dislike side, but their fans... yeah, I've mentioned before I can't stand the lot of them. Go back to 2005 and cry in your beer with Seahawks fans, but first, please wash the sand out of your vaginas, and since I am myself a woman, that is a grave insult. You are not "entitled" to be 19-0. You as a matter of fact have to admit that you met a team playing -- gasp! -- better football than you. It happens. I hope you lose twice to the Dolphins next year, then you'll really have something to cry about.

I still think it's hysterical that the Patriots fans are the ones complaining the Giants cheated (which they did not). Look, people, you should have lost to the Ravens before they bewilderingly let Rex Ryan, a defensive coordinator, call a timeout. The Ravens, as will be further elucidated in my Quarterback Quiz this evening, were by all accounts and measures a shitty football team this year. This is called karma, again, and thank God we were saved from you self-righteous douchenozzles being awarded the ability to preen, because we'd all have jumped into the sea by now and left you to take over the world. AAAAAAAH. No wonder I'm so jaded about humanity.

Now, I am willing to be charitable and admit that not all Patriots fans are this toxically idiotic. I will, however, bewail the State of the Pats/Sox/Bandwagon Nation at large.

I am ever more appreciative of the New York Giants' victory. Thank you, New York Giants.

The Quarterback Quiz: Cincinnati Bengals

(Otherwise known as the Felons Capital of the NFL!) Also, is it a bad thing that I occasionally get Carson Palmer and Carson Kressley mixed up? I swear that's no slur on your part, Mr. Palmer -- just the result of an overloaded brain. Note to self: Palmer is heir to the Boomer Esiason tradition, while Kressley likes a different kind of boomers. Okay, now that's all over with (and sincerely, no offense meant to any party intimated, you should have learned by now that I'm odd) let's get with it.

Cincinnati Bengals (7-9): Carson Palmer

Although not, to the best of my knowledge, a gay fashion makeover expert (not that there's anything wrong with that) Carson the First has much to recommend him to those of a pigskin-loving bent. He got his start at USC, where he struggled through three mostly underwhelming years before taking off in his senior year under the stewardship of guru Norm Chow. This resulted in him winning the Heisman Trophy, the fifth Trojan to do so and only the first Trojan quarterback until Matt Leinart stole his thunder in 2004. During his award-winning season, Palmer threw for 309 completions in 489 attempts (63% rate) 3,942 yards, 33 TD, and 10 INT, and he led the Trojans to a victory over Iowa in the Orange Bowl, 38-17. A double-major in public policy and management (probably good skills for a quarterback to have...) Carson was rewarded for his hard work by being selected first overall by the Bengals in the 2003 draft.

He spent his first year as the backup to Jon Kitna, then the Bengals' starter, but had shown enough and impressed the management to enough of a degree that he was named the starter in January 2004. In starting 13 games, Palmer showed considerable but still unrefined talent, as he threw for 18 TDs, 18 INT, 263/432 (60.9 percentage/77.3 rating) and 2,987 yards; it wasn't until the next year that he took off. Palmer skippered the Bengals to an 11-5 record in 2005 and their first division title in fifteen years. All of this was done with some impressive personal numbers -- he led the NFL in completion percentage (67.8) was fourth in yards (3,836) owned a 101.1 passer rating at season's end, and set a franchise record with 32 touchdown passes against only 12 interceptions. He was voted to the Pro Bowl for his efforts, but did not play due to a severe knee injury sustained against the Steelers in the wild-card playoffs. The injury was bad enough that there were some questions about if he'd even play again, but Palmer threw himself into his rehabilitation and was ready to go when 2006 opened. In fact, he missed only one snap all year in recording a 62.3 CP, 4,035 yards, 28 TD/13 INT, and a 93.9 rating -- the only bugaboo was that he fumbled 15 times and the Bengals couldn't replicate last year's success, falling to 8-8. However, he was again named to the Pro Bowl and even got to play in it, earning MVP honors for guiding the AFC to a win. (Not as if this matters very greatly, but it's a nice feather in his cap).

2007 was an up-and-down season for Palmer and the Bengals. Aside from the fact that half the team was either in the police station or the county court at any given point (something which is not new to Cincinnati) they had only a 2-5 record by Week 8 and Palmer was leading the conference in interceptions. Still, he again started every game, had a 64.9 CP, 4,131 yards, an 86.7 record, and 26 TDs -- unfortunately his 20 INT were a career high and the Bengals finished with a losing record for the first time since Palmer took over the reins. Still, in five years, he's set franchise records for most completions, touchdown passes, passing yards, and passer rating in a season, along with most TD passes for a game and the highest passer rating for any Bengals QB. On January 30 of this year, the Bengals signed his younger brother Jordan, also a QB, to be his backup -- something that will surely engender plenty of playful sibling rivalry and good-natured competitions. However, although Palmer junior was a UT-El Paso standout, there isn't much of a chance he'll be unseating his older brother for the starting job behind center for the Felons -- er, Bengals. I'm sure they'll get a lot of mileage out of it in the meantime, though.